Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
