your parents love me but you hate me
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
