So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
