cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
