Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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