this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
