dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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