So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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