The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
17 year olds will be the death of me.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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