You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize