Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
