i already hear my dad disowning me
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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