dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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