Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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