dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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