If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
