So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
