Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
