The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
