Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize