and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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