Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
