...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
