just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Randomize
