jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
