you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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