i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
