I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
