This is the prime rib incident all over again
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
