It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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