My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Drunk is a universal language darling
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