You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
