just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize