I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
