I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
