My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
