haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
