Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I don't deserve a penis
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
