there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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