I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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