guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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