My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
