I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
