I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
