Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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