I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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