Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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