Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize