I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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