Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
