I feel great
I just peed on a car
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I wear drunk well.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
