the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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