Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think people are normalizing furries
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
