True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
