My friends, they love my intelligence
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize