great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
