Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
